my boyfriend's mom treats him like her husband

It is normal chore for a teenager and fetching few things should be already doable by 12 years old. Its all so inappropriate to me but he says its just his life. You have to remember to take care of yourself. I am not her responsibility. Or maybe he isn't ready to change his relationship with his mom and siblngs and never will be. Maybe he cant do that because the economy is shit and probably only going to get worse. He can be a little passive-aggressive, but he is not likely to leave you if he commits to you. He wants to move out, right? It can be such a blow to your confidence and make you question your relationship and love for one another. Thats not to say that you cant play an important role in supporting him to make changes. i (22f) live with my family and boyfriend (22m). Go with your gut here. I've mentioned other things to my boyfriend before like "She shouldn't be asking you to help with the delivery. Long story short, it only got worse and I finally decided to leave him 2 years later You are so young and have so many options! Please recognize the situation and free yourself before youre in too deep. If not, I don't think going to the grocery store and helping his single mom out with his two younger brothers is that big of a deal in exchange for a free place to stay. You've been making demands on him, just like his mother does. It seems he is trying. And not just about what he will or wont do in the futurebut do you even want to be in a relationship with this guy? r/JUSTNOMIL will be the future if you stay and he doesnt change. Meanwhile, she merely had to state what she needed and her husband would have I like him, hes honestly a great guy overall but he is almost always preoccupied by his mom ordering him around or leaving him to be the father figure.. actually the parent figure in general to his siblings. Otherwise youre setting yourself up for heartache. Thats a really hard place to be in, 10x harder with a fussy partner who isnt empathizing. She deserves a boyfriend who is kind, patient, loving, gentle, and strong when he needs to be. She found an arbitrary reason to be pissed at me (if it matters, he hadn't told her where he was one weekend when he was visiting me, and I snapchatted his sister with a picture of me and him in because I figured they knew. but it's not normal that he's can't take a set amount of time to have a private call. How interested are you at this point? Is this part of the relationship you can accept? That is called contributing since he is a grown man still living at home. Taking care of younger siblings is a very normal thing when there's that big of an age difference as well (however you may feel about that pressure). I just wanted more quality conversations. I'm not going to argue whether it is his duty to help his family in this way or whether this is emotional incest or parentification. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. She will learn how she should expect to be treated by him. But that was normal for us. It's not normal, but it is common in households without a parent figure for the oldest sibling to step into a parent-like role. You asked us if this relationship is worth it. Ok, to put things in a bit of perspective: Cards on the table, the 'daddy' thing is weird. Like.kind of wondering if OP ever helps her parents?? She knows about all of her son's relationship squabbles! Of course. I always figure the person writing is going shape the story so they are seen in the best light. May 1, 2023, 8:04 pm, by Daniel Mabanta This is emotional incest. If your spouse has a great relationship with his mom, be happy Ive been in a relationship like this. Your boyfriend is an older sibling so mom is dependent on him to help. or did family things get in the way? You will become the bad guy and will always come second. His problems may be fixable, but that doesn't mean he will fix them or that it's your job to wait around to find out. I agree. Here are six examples of mother-son relationship dynamics and their related insights. In any case, you and he are very young, It is perfectly valid to say, "You're a nice guy but this relationship isn't right for me." They should call him by his real name and know he's their brother (but thats not something you can control). Pros and cons. I had an ex very similar to how OP describes, for the first year I noticed how close he and his mother were but made excuses for it internally and thought we all managed quite well - I visited her and his sister a bunch of times alone while my ex was deployed and all seemed fine. If you think youre dealing with a codependent partner, this article will talk you through how best to deal with it. He is probably worried for what may happen to his brothers if he leaves as well. Our partners problems so easily impact us. If you do decide to stay help him realize that what his mother's asking of him is not normal, it's not his job and he doesn't own her a thing. My parents were very independent of us and were by no means helicopter/clingy parents. I feel for him. This causes more problems because the codependent individual can end up taking over the life of the other person. After you recognize the signs its important to ask yourself how much this is impacting on you, and in what ways. And now hes in my life forever and Im reminded of my stupidity for ignoring all the red flags. In that household, he is the husband and father. My bf made plans with his friends that night, so he asked for a ride back to college. Google "parentification" and send him some links he might respond to. 1- Does he see it as an issue? Does he spend a lot of time avoiding his mother, not because he's a forgetful man but because she creates anxiety or distress for him? But it's not good for either of them. 12 years old should be more independent tho. Because he is the main caretaker of his siblings, then talking at night might be better where there are less things going on. He cant see how weird it is because its just his life to him. That will make it so difficult. For some bizarre reason, he expects you to act just like she does. My bf now has made a lot of progress and we can talk about how crazy his nmom is sometimes. WebMother acts like his wife and he gratifies almost every need that I knew about, even though the woman is damn capable of doing it herself. I'd think he'd probably need help to learn how to set boundaries with his mom and siblings. Its a tough decision, but it likely wont get better. He can get control by simply saying no to mom. I saw one of my sisters as more of a mom figure than my own mom and she felt I was her responsibility. She went up to bed and cried herself to sleep. The first few months in a relationship are the foundation upon which you build the rest of it. There's a ton of good resources there. And, no, you should not tell David its going to get better, unless you preface it first with, Hey, if you get your act together, . RELATED: 15 Definitive Signs You're With A Good Man (As Written By One). Its become the norm for his family to just not give him any privacy, which is why moving out would probably be the easiest way for him to set those boundaries moving forward. I second this. He cant downsize his mother until he moves out of her house. Have you felt your life is being strongly impacted by his mother or their relationship together? Once youve identified the problems, its time to talk to your boyfriend. This is a terrible foundation for a relationship. I think growing up in abusive households like this where youre raised with the idea that you have no boundaries, it becomes really hard for him to set any now. Let him see you as a partner, as if you two were a team and are taking this problem as a one. For example, if youre often thinking my boyfriends mom is always calling him or my boyfriends mom is too involved he probably needs to draw a firmer line. People can surprise you, is all. He is so deep in the FOG. But I don't think you two are a good match either way if this is such an issue for you. She was so mad at him for leaving, she dumped the near boiling hot grease in the trash can. When someone is in denial over anything, although we can try to help them see unhealthy patterns, its down to them ultimately. She's not, but she's given up 20 years of her life to live with the mom, take care of the mom, and do everything for the mom. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. Old enough to make simple meals for themselves, but they're kids. It took distancing herself, and accepting the fact that she wasnt supposed to be my mom before she fully got to setting boundaries to my mom who wasnt taking care of me and was expecting her to. To my knowledge, he hasnt had a girlfriend since (5 years later). #8: They say you need to change. You can't maintain a relationship unless you see each other. He lies to you the same way hed lie to his You can do better than a mama's boy. She has to act like wifey to make people think that. Do you want this to be your life? For example: Im worried about our relationship because I feel like my happiness and our happiness is put second to your moms., I feel like you have to make a lot of sacrifices to keep your mom happy.. Hes still quite young so theres time for him to realise. His mom has basically conditioned him to this type of behaviour. WebIf he befriends his mother yet can speak out if she upsets him, you have a confident man on your hands. He will say hes seeking balance when really he will villainize his partners as they push him to advocate for himself and for their relationship. He's not their dad. It was very unusual for me to see. May 19, 2022, 1:24 am. WebBecause she was trained not to ask for what she needed, it never occurred to her to do so. The mom not respecting privacy when he calls with you is problem too. It isn't the healthiest solution but it was all he could do to get out of that terrible situation, and that only seemed possible because of our relationship. Did you like my article? Mum interrupting calls isn't on but it's (too) common and the rest is just him helping out his single mum who is running a business with two kids at home during a global pandemic. Honestly at the end of day what matters is that you are both happy in the relationship. But thats no ok. He may not see it, or he may see it and he may not want to change things at home. He is 22, time to leave the nest. Do you see the problem? Now her sibling is being taken in as the new golden child while she has been thrown out on her ass with no savings, a crap work history, a series of broken relationships, and nothing to show for her time since high school. He has to want to make changes to the relationship with his mom, for both himself as well as the sake of your relationship. WebHere are a few signs experts say may mean your partner was raised by a toxic mom, as well as what you both can do about it. Is it joking or serious? I don't think he can give you the relationship you're looking for. most likely, she isn't going to like that. He should look at the lists of narcissistic traits and tactics on the internet. So much that, guess what? Some codependent relationships may be worse than others. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing them a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect. who would pick up child care if he isn't there? You cannot except him to be free anytime soon and if you get mad and push him it will only make it harder for him. But he will just try to balance both and fail unless he actually misses out on his own life because of his acceptance that this is just his life. I would really appreciate it if one day of the weekend it was just us two., When your mom is critical towards me, I really need to feel like you have my back., I would love it if we had more fun times together alone.. Recognize when youre feeling overwhelmed and take breaks from the situation if you need to until you feel better. Also, his siblings should NOT be calling him "Daddy"- that's just fucked up and weird. You don't have to save this relationship, its hard and there are crazy circumstances right now which make it much harder. 6 Things You Can Learn From A Man's Relationship With His Mother, 13 Things Your Mother-In-Law Secretly Thinks About Your Marriage, 4 Ways His Mom Strangely Affects Your Marriage, How To Handle In-Laws Who Don't Like You (For The Sake Of Your Relationship), 3 Zodiac Signs Who Need Change In Love May 1, 2023, During Pluto Retrograde, 13 Signs You Don't Value Yourself Enough (Which Turns Men Off), 3 Zodiac Signs Are Luckiest In Love On May 1, 2023, During Moon Square Venus, 15 Definitive Signs You're With A Good Man (As Written By One), Zodiac Signs That Are Terrible At Relationships (And Why), 20 Little Things Women Do That Guys *Secretly* Love, The Perfect Age To Get Married, According To Science, 5 Little Ways Men Wish They Could Be Loved Every Single Day. I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. A 22 year old man living at home should be pitching in. It doesnt sound like she has even met his family or been to the house. Are you the other woman to a guy whose wife and kids keep interrupting him? Man this is gonna fuck his adult relationships. When you meet a man, take heed of what sort of relationship he has with his mom. We dated for a few years and it progressively got worse. Obviously, everything does not have to be done as a family. It stops being anywhere near reasonable when his own brothers are calling him Daddy That is fucked up. Unless the current travel distance is too much. Theres one thing to say people grow and change naturally, but you shouldnt marry someone hoping you can change them, or that they WILL change because of dating/marriage. Hell, Im Asian and this is just expected of children to their parents/home in general. I noticed the red flags very early on like you are and ignored them. Weve already had a few arguments about him always being occupied and a lack of effort to which he has made a point to call/text everyday but he is still preoccupied, it just feels forced. Look depending on how much you like this guy, you have two options. I'm getting some catfishing vibes. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Its emotional incest. You can just be done. Phil | 10K views, 106 likes, 4 loves, 8 comments, 4 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from DrPhil Show 2023: Dr.Phil Show 2023 - Exes at War Five years ago I wrote letter to my high school self, and ne" JJ Heller on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! The parent partner typically nags, prods, controls, dictates, scolds, and makes most of the decisions. If these are happening randomly at random times during busy hours it doesn't seem unreasonable that there are interruptions. The same thing, she relied on him for emotional support, babysitting his two younger sisters, mowing the lawn and other fatherly duties, even stating some kind of creepy comments about his appearance. The two younger boys calling him daddy is not culturally normal but it sounds like he's the father figure in their life and I assume this comes from them seeing their friends with their father figure. In fact, many of us are actually self-sabotaging our love lives without realizing it! I would try to get you two in a financial situation where you can live together so mom is firced to actually raise her children so maybe he can enjoy his last few years with you as a young childless adult. No one should have to feel not valued by someone they love if your spouse treats you like Before he makes any big decisions, he consults her to Updated: Dec. 11, 2020. I don't mean to offend, but the daddy thing is the only part for me that doesnt quite fit and I hadn't seen anyone else ask. OP can't decide it for him. His mother always thinks she knows best is never wrong and never apologizes. If he befriends his mother yet can speak out if she upsets him, you have a confident man on your hands. It's dysfunctional, with enmeshment, he's a sonsband, there's a term that describes it I can't remember something along the lines of incest spouse. Fathers set a standard with not only the way they treat their daughters, but how they treat her mother. It sounds like his mother works full time so even if he too works full time this still applies IMO, particularly with helping with his siblings. My cousin, who lived a similar life, got cancer and died in her 40s (before her mom), having never dated, having given all her money to her mother, and having really never even had friends as an adult. As men get married and have children of their own, their relationship with their mothers must evolve to reflect the new roles of each person: the sons as husbands and fathers, and the mothers as in-laws and grandmothers. I don't understand why you two aren't spending time together. This girl has said they are only dating through phone calls. But weekly shopping or shopping in general is not outrageous thing to do for adult living in a household. Im sure it is an incredibly frustrating situation for you. If you see a future to this relationship, you can help him with that. We went to his house and hung out for a few hours. He needs constant reassurance from his mother. You are never going to get him to change this, and you can't change this. ), and then everything became a competition, which both he and she were fine with me losing. WebAccept that your mate does not like being treated like a kid. RELATED:How To Handle In-Laws Who Don't Like You (For The Sake Of Your Relationship). The aim of this is to let him notice his misdoings of not being the husband for you instead, for his mom. He taught me to see through the lies we tell ourselves about love and become truly empowered. For all his temper, though, he has an appealing dramatism and emotional component that borders on charisma. Maybe he will move out and not be so enmeshed in his familys lives. Web167 likes, 15 comments - JJ Heller (@jjhellermusic) on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! I learned about this from the renowned shaman Rud Iand. You can suggest that he tries to create some clearer boundaries between them. Before you get honest with him, you need to be honest with yourself. Maybe his mom is too demanding, he should probably move out and become more independent. but rather than just making yourself one more person who demands his time and attention, what can you do to support his plans to move out, to stand up for himself and put HIMSELF first? Youll never be able to find such a gem of a person who is willing to take such responsibility. It's the first person he had a close and connected relationship with (in most cases) and is, in many circumstances, the person who shaped his values and outlook on the world. Sure he will. This reads like the title of a weird porn video. or if you're a selfish girl who is jealous of his reasonable time and attention to his family. May 1, 2023, 6:36 am, by And whats the solution to dating someone who is in a codependent relationship with their mom? Unfortunately in most single parenthood situations, parents like to dump their kids on the oldest. His mother uses guilt, silent treatment, and passive-aggressiveness as a weapon. TL;DR: my relationship (f22) is being ruined by my boyfriends (m22) mom (f46) who is extremely dependent on him for everything, including taking care of his siblings. It doesn't matter whether he loves men or women a man's relationship with his mother will create severe lines and crevices in his personality. You may not be able to get him to establish firmer boundaries, but you can firm up your own. WebDr. I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, many thave said it well. You are never going to find a person with a perfect situation. He is a broken bad boy, and women love this, and he loves women to a point. To little brothers, idk that might be a soft spot. He can't do or say anything without "Mommy's approval," even if he's forty. No one has a bad word to say about him. She also complains that he doesnt text or message her enough. WebWhen a man has a close and healthy relationship with his mom, it usually indicates that he's capable of vulnerability and intimacy and it makes me hope that he can model other But ultimately it boils down to boundaries. and he'll usually say "baby its your mom. He's probably not gonna change. Either she is a hot mess, or somehow, at some point, she is disappointed or lets him down so badly that she can't get on the right foot with him. In my 2 years engaged it hasnt got Any better. May 1, 2023, 7:41 pm, by Either be a decent human being and help your partner or dump him cause he deserves better. Being able to make sure his siblings have something that he may have not had. I like her." The Dad thing is definitely weird but if Im being honest OP comes off sounding a bit entitled. It sounds like OP is already trying to change this guy and she isnt really dating him. And at that age if youre not feeling that way then I think its better for both parties to move on. The grocery trip is weekly, too. Yes, but it might take his being dumped by a series of girlfriends for him to get it. As a single mom, I understand needing the oldest sibling to help with certain things, but it sounds like his mom is way too dependent on him. That is a lot of lifelong work for him. Right now hes just fulfilling his responsibility. It's her. Blech. We went to the same college after HS. Does he pay rent? If you support him now hell be yours for life. Frankly I can't tell if he's way to attached to his mother and you're 100% justified, or if you're a selfish girl who is jealous of his reasonable time and attention to his family, The answer is likely somewhere in between. Heres how acting like his mother instead of his girlfriend changed everything: It Killed the Romance. The unfortunate truth is the longer he has been in a codependent relationship with his mom, and the more severe it is, the worse the outlook over whether he will change. Jelena Dincic Remember to tell your nurses who you dont want there and they will happily keep them out as your health is first priority Like s savvvymom Apr 24, 2023 at 9:29 PM His mom can be there when he gives birth Like s sle23 You can google all these terms and you will learn slot very quickly. Your boyfriend has always been very close to his mom. 23. Alright this is a tough situation. You are both still so young. He has great respect for women and is eager to hear his partner's opinion, but he's also immature and unable to call the shots on his own. This is the first thing I thought. All the things seem so NORMAL to me especially of an older grown man/sibling still living at home. You might not like my opinion and my language might be a bit strong, but you're being very incosiderate towards him. No it doesnt. Dont leave it too long because it'll eat away at you and the longer it is the harder you will find it to leave and the harder it will be on him too. I doubt it's going to change any time soon. See additional information. Not trying to imply hope where there isn't any, but my bf of a year had a very controlling and abusive mother that he just couldn't seem to stand up to. People are busy and you as his gf know he's very busy trying to be a good brother and a good son (regardless of how shitty his mom is at parenting). Web22. Is that healthy? If it's something you think you can move past then by all means, stay with him but if its clear itll never improve and you see it as a huge issue leave. It will be nothing you can force. Give him a break, sounds like he's a caring individual. You really need to have a conversation with him about if he can commit now to giving you the time you need/deserve. We all have very different family dynamics. He can't put her in her place if she upsets him; he's a people-pleaser and not very confident. Maybe he should move out of his mother's house? Until. He feels like he should make sacrifices to please his mother. Create a calendar for your family but be clear that He needs a strong woman because he's a bit dependent on others. Long story short, it only got worse and I finally decided to leave him 3 years laterwhile 9 months pregnant. WebIn essence one spouse assumes the parent position while the other spouse assumes the child position. Walk away. Many of your examples are not, in themselves, troubling. Don't involve yourself. Is it a deal-breaker for you, are you prepared to live with it, or are you prepared to stick around longer in the hopes you can get through to your boyfriend for him to make changes? Tina Fey 13. that could be your future if you stay in this relationship. Have you actually met this guy in person? She is a huge part of your boyfriends life, and she always will be. They'll say "they're doing their duty as a sibling!!" He is a 22 year old adult that still lives at home. You have to ask yourself how much this problem has affected you. The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. She will most likely make up lies or rumors to turn him against you and refocus on her. Emotional incest is a real thing, as well as mum's treating their sons like "sonsbands". I'm free to tell him when I feel like she's crossing a line with him and he doesn't feel attacked or anything, because we're a team and he knows I just want him to be free to be himself, not because I want him for myself. Hope you enjoy the journey with me. My parents rely on my for a lot of shit and often times I do feel like a mom to them- my parents dont speak english well so I take care of a lot of school stuff etc, but my siblings would never call me mom (unless its a joke). Youve been thinking to yourself my boyfriend is codependent with his mother. His mom isn't the problem. In fact, most parent-child codependent relationships were formed in childhood. EDIT 2: wow guys thanks for the gold, did not expect it, I actually agree with all of thisitd be one thing if he were a dead beat garbage person buthe is clearly in an abusive situation and his life seems very socially draining. So I very much second that he needs to recognise it as a problem, otherwise it will continue how it is and OP will have to be the increasingly accommodating one. it's normal to help out with small kids at home, and it's very stressful for caregivers having them 24/7 right now with no school or other activities. The 20-year-old, who's dedicated numerous Reddit posts to her boyfriend's mum, described her as a traditional stay at home mom, with the mindset that women take care of their men and do all the housework.'' Do you love him and does he love you? He lives in a single parent household but his siblings are in their teens now. To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. With us being on lockdown, much of our communication is over the phone like many, and he cant even have a phone conversation without his mom interjecting in the conversation, yelling in the background constantly, or demanding him to come to her service. The fact that she's interrupting phone calls sounds like an easy thing to fix, how often are you on the phone, is it scheduled or random? If you choose to stay with him, I think you should be comfortable with the understanding that this situation isn't going to be quickly solvable. He is also prone to complaining about his mother and garnering sympathy for his broken childhood. He may want to consider family therapy if his mom is open to it too, or even just individual therapy to get to the root causes of what is going on. if he doesn't think it's a problem, if he hasn't adjusted his call/time scheduling boundaries after you've asked him repeatedly, then he's not willing to be the partner you need right now. Recognizing when youre being abused when its the norm for you is so difficult. Sometimes our conversations felt really generic or that he was too busy. If the lack of time spent together is a deal breaker for you, then it can be. At some stage, you may feel like youve tried all you can and you dont know what else to do. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. He is obviously struggling and by what you wrote - he cannot open up to you because you're not understanding and do not support him.

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